The Plans Of Mice And Men...

I am regretfully submitting this entry later than originally promised. It has truly been a trying couple of days so you must forgive my somewhat lackluster posting.

They say that even the brightest minds have their off days. Until today I always though that was just drivel the weak told themselves to give them the courage to get up every morning knowing that they were worthless specks on this earth who could never achieve anything. Honestly the mere idea that they aren't perpetually rocking in the fetal position, drenched from head to toe in their own salty discharge, and cursing their gods for forsaking them still baffles me. Anyway, as utterly unbelievable as it may sound, it seems that I have experience the first failure on my journey. Believe me, none could be as disappointed at my own folly as myself. Alas on to the experiment.

Butter-Cream Belly Busters

codename: Arizona

Experiment Note #1: The cupcake recipe is that of Jacques Torres, while the icing recipe has been adapted from Demolition Deserts (Enchanting name for the book. I must look into it.) Experiment Note #2: This makes about 2 dozen cupcakes so plan accordingly with your cooking containers.

Materials:

Butter-Cream Icing: .5 cup of unsalted butter 2.5 cups of confection sugar (powdered) .5 teaspoon of salt 1 tablespoon plus 1 teaspoon of whole milk 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract .75 teaspoon of lemon juice

Cupcake Batter: 3.5 ounces of unsweetened chocolate, chopped 2 tablespoons of Dutch-processed cocoa powder 1.25 cups of boiling water 2 cups of cake flour, sifted .75 teaspoon of baking soda .5 teaspoon of baking powder .25 teaspoon of salt 1 cup (2 sticks) of unsalted butter 1.5 cups of light brown sugar 3 large eggs, at room temperature .5 cup of sour cream 2 teaspoons of pure vanilla extract

Procedure

Part 1 - Butter-Cream Icing:

1. With a mixer cream the butter and salt.

2. Add half of the powdered sugar and all of the milk to the mixture then beat until combined.

3. After scraping down the bowl, mix in the rest of the powdered sugar, the vanilla, and the lemon juice.

4. Beat for about 7 minutes or until the frosting is light and fluffy

Part 2 - Cupcakes:

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

2. Combine the chocolate, cocoa powder, and boiling water in a heatproof bowl (b1). Whisk together until smooth and set aside to cool.
3. In a separate bowl(b2) combine the flour, baking soda, baking powder, and salt.

4. In another bowl(b3) use a mixer to beat the butter until light and fluffy. (mixer preferably connected to a stand and fitted with a paddle attachment, but it can be done without. I used the beater

attachments and held the mixer for this attempt.)

5. Combine the brown sugar and eggs to b3; introducing the eggs one at a time, beating after each addition.

6. Reduce the speed of the mixer and add the sour cream, vanilla extract, and the chocolate from b1 to the mixture in b3. Mix Well.

*Important*

Experiment note #3: When following the next step make sure not to mix for too long or too vigorously because it will lead to a rack filled with dry cupcakes. If this happens still, you can add some chocolate jello pudding mix to your batter to keep it moist.

7. Add the flour mixture of b2 to bowl 3. Beat just until combined. Lumps are okay!

8. Scoop out batter into your muffin cup containers about four-fifths full.

9. Bake in over for about 20 minutes and transfer to a wire rack to cool.

10. Cover in frosting

11. Give to enemies

Optional Procedure Options for Quicker Belly Busting Results:

1. Before you put your batter in the oven, place chocolate chips inside. Chocolate Destruction they will never see coming.

Arizona was definitely a promising experiment. Much like C5, experiment Arizona was meant to pray on the positive childhood memories of my victims, causing them to consume unfathomable amounts of delectable baked goods in hope of recapturing that feeling of comfort and joy now absent in their mundane and pointless existences. At first all seemed to be according to plan, but a foolish slip in the procedure proved disastrous. These supposed moist belly-busters were in fact arid duds. It seems that the act of over-processing the mixture caused an unforeseen change in the experiment’s texture and led to its unsatisfactorily dry nature. While some of my enemies did not seem to notice due to heaping amounts of the melt-in-your-mouth(rot your teeth) frosting, I could not ignore such abysmal results. Sadly this means that Arizona will not be added to my list of active weaponry, but I will be sure to return to and perfect the project in the future. Failure such as this will never happen again. This I vow!

C5 Part 2: Diabetic Boogaloo

It is time! Soon the streets will be filled with the drool-drenched comatose bodies of butter-induced shock victims. They will call me a monster, but in truth they should be grateful. Is there a sweeter way to leave this mortal plane than to do so while passionately embracing one of these chocolate goddesses? Breathing deep its intoxicating aroma as it overtakes your senses. It exists to be consumed and you to consume it. You cast off your earthly existence and enter a state of euphoria like none have known before or will ever again. After an experience like that, who among us would care if their organs were harvested to support the agenda of a murderous tyrannical baker bent on world conquest and everlasting life to further extend his torment of mankind and all that have ever held feelings of hope and love in this world? Not I, my friends. Not I.

Back to the task at hand!

Chocolate-Chip Coronary-Carnage Cookies

codename: C⁵

^{->click for Part 1}

Procedure:

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees and prepare a baking sheet with foil, parchment paper, or a nonstick baking mat.

2. After 24 hours in the fridge, the dough should be nice and firm yielding much plumper cookies. Scoop 6 mounds of dough, roughly the size of large golf balls, onto your baking sheet.

Experiment note #3: Try to push any chocolate pieces resting on the top of your cookies deeper inside the dough to avoid what happened in the picture to the left. Your victims may be less willing to ingest your sugary Trojan horse if your soldiers are too busy screaming their whereabouts.

3. Sprinkle the top of your cookie dough with a dash of sea salt.

4. Place your baking pan in the oven and let it bake for 18-20 minutes or until golden brown.

5. Transfer your cookies to a wire rack for 10 minutes in order to cool off.

6. Give to your enemies.

Experiment note #4: Yields 1.5 dozen 5-inch cookies.

In the end I would call this attempt a complete success. Simply tasting this treat has caused my knees to buckle more than once and my teeth to beg for the sweet embrace of death just to stop their pain. The effectiveness of this weapon also seems to increase when served at a warm temperature.

Dastardly Plan Note #1

For now my major sugary experimentations will be taking place on Sundays with the documentation released on Mondays (with the exception of tomorrow). Smaller findings and studies may be posted indiscriminately throughout the week. Changes may occur when my alter-ego's classes begin.

Get 'Em While They're Young (C5 - Part 1)

Ah the chocolate chip cookie. There is no better place to start my complete savory takeover than with the simplest yet most devious of sweets. Introduced to the mindless sheep at a young age, with promises of gifts from a fat man, this cookie has been imprinted in the brain as a thing of joy and elation. With just one whiff of its moist buttery-chocolaty goodness it can bring the world shamelessly salivating at its feet. I must harness this power. It must be my feet covered with the drool of the masses!

And so begins the experiment...

Chocolate-Chip Coronary-Carnage Cookies

codename: C⁵

Experiment note #1: For this attempt I shall be following the process of one, Jacques Torres. A man who has been said to have already cracked into the cookie's true demonic potential.
Experiment note #2: This is a two day procedure, so you must plan ahead.

A side of villainy that few ever see is the preparation it takes to pull off a successful plan. They just assume it's an easy task to decapitate an archenemy in such an inhumane manner that all who witness the event are forced to question their own existence. It requires some time and Project C⁵ is no different. Rounding up the ingredients alone proved to be a difficult task. You wouldn't believe the amount of limbs people had to lose so that I could mine on cake flour!

Materials:

2 cups minus 2 tablespoons of cake flour

1 2/3 cups of bread flour

1 1/4 teaspoons of baking soda

1 1/2 teaspoons of coarse salt (sea salt)

1 1/2 teaspoons of baking powder

1 1/4 cups of unsalted butter

1 1/4 cups of light brown sugar

1 cup plus 2 tablespoons of granulated sugar (white)

2 large eggs

2 teaspoons of vanilla extract

1 1/4 pounds of bittersweet (cocoa value >=60%) chocolate disks/fevers

Procedure:

1. Combine flours, baking soda, baking powder, and salt into a bowl.

2. In separate bowl, use a mixer or your hands (I usually don't recommend touching dangerous chemicals, but it is doable) to cream the butter and sugars together until light in texture.

3. Add eggs one at a time into the sugar-butter-cream bowl, mixing thoroughly after each addition.

4. Add the vanilla extract to the mixture

5. Reduce speed and add the dry ingredients. Mix until just combined.

6. Add the chocolate pieces and mix into the mixture doing your best not to break the pieces apart.

7. Press the dough into plastic wrap and place in the refrigerator for 24-36 hours.

I've reached this part of the experiment without too many complications. I sadly waited too long to add the chocolate to the mix so it became more difficult to amalgamate properly. Let us hope this will not diminish the weapon's effectiveness. For now, I must let my beauty mature.

I can already see the artery destruction.

->click for Part 2

A Humble Beginning

I've never been much of a cook. It's baffled me how things that look so good on paper could go so terribly wrong in the end, but I've realized I truly have a skill for destruction. That is, until I started baking. Forcefully kneading dough until it submits to my every will; measuring out cups upon cups of cavity-inducing sugar; throwing in unholy amounts of heart-destroying, artery-busting, buckets of butter really makes the blood boil. On this site I will be chronicling my attempts at total gastric domination. May you pray I never succeed.

ENJOY THE WOOD PANELING!